Why I love you the way I do. A letter to my daughter.

My sweet sugar plum little Zoe,

There will once come a day when you will learn the story behind the forces that brought you to this beautiful universe, and plugged you into the arms of your father and I. As you are only a year old today, this time is no where near close, but as time is not guaranteed, I need to tell you this story through my own written words today, only hoping that one day you will hear it’s power through my voice.

One day, you will most likely find out from your aunts and uncles that your mommy was married twice before she met your dad. Cioca Julita, will probably tell you one day when you are old enough, that in her younger days, mommy was very quick at exiting relationships, but probably even quicker at getting into them. Which is very true my Zoe. I am not really sure why that was the case, but I often speculated that it probably has something to do with my dad not being in my life as I was growing up (your grandfather that is). In my younger years, I didn’t like to be single, and I really enjoyed making new connections. Every time I met someone new who intrigued me, I felt an exciting energy not only in my soul but all around me. As if the world became more beautiful simply because I met a person that was interested in me. A person that wanted to focus on me and give me the time of day. If that doesnt point to daddy issues, I don’t know what does.

But in any case my Zoe, Mommy was always walking into the room with her heart first, mind following her days if not weeks behind. The adventures I so bravely took got me in trouble, often. Breaking hearts, being not the best version of myself, to say the least, and even getting my heart broken. Well, shattered would be more of an appropriate word for that experience. Which is a very big reason why you are here today, so let me tell you.

Mommy fell deep in love with a certain man (other than daddy) in her early 20’s. And yes, this was way way before Mommy even knew Daddy walked this earth. His name, was Phil. He was a friend of a friend, who came from a very religious and successful family in Rockland Count NY.ff He was a few years younger, and full of energy, big dreams, and love. He was the first man in mommy life, that believed in her. Phil made me feel like, I was worth it. All of it. Like I could become whomever I wanted to in life, and achieve whatever it was I wanted to tackle next. He also taught mommy about quality of life. He took me out on exciting and fun adventures around the east coast, and wanted to explore the world. With his grand and curious perspective on life and his undoubtfull belief in me, he injected me with the confidence and strength I needed to experience this life in the best way I could. But mommy was young and stupid, and one day mommy needed a break from Phil, so she left. Only 15 days later, I received a call that Phil tragically died in our apartment. And just like that mommy’s heart was shattered at the age of 24.

There are no words mommy can say to make you understand the depth of the heartbreak I went through during that time, except for telling you that it redefined who mommy was. What was a turning point in that experience was when I realized that I felt the same way about sadness, as I did about happiness. As if there was no good or bad in the world anymore, things just were. Unfortunately it took years, and a failed marriage #2, to understand the complexities of that experience. And it wasn’t until Mommy met daddy, that life made sense again. So let me tell you how mommy knew that daddy was different.

When mommy and daddy first met, they decided to go on a date, just a few short days after. I really was not expecting much, but I already felt that daddy’s voice had the power to move mom’s soul. The first time I heard Ben speak, I felt the frequency of his “hello” travel through my whole body, all the way into my tippy toes. I knew then, that he was different.

On our first date daddy took me to a beautiful, cozy little lounge in Manhattan, with a large fireplace, comfortable couches and absolutely delicious cocktails. When I walked into the place and saw dad for the first time, I gravitated towards his smile and big blue eyes that pierced through to my core. We set down by the fireplace and just talked, for hours. We were so open and honest with ourselves, discussing the parts of our personalities we never had the courage to bring to light. But it never felt like your dad and I just met. It rather felt like we just picked up where we left off from in the lifetime before this one. He waited only 30 minutes before interrupting me abruptly to steal a first kiss, he felt was most important to have at that moment. I didn’t disagree. When the time has come to leave as we exited the lounge, I didn’t want to say goodbye. But to my surprise, the night was just starting. Your dad had planned an evening full of unexpected adventures. We went to a comedy show, and saw various comedians that made us laugh our butts off, and danced the night away at a bar near by. We walked through the streets and parks of Manhattan underneath the bright city lights, only to find our souls entertained completely by the morning light.

Your dad and I spend 3 months exploring this world as a couple before we learned of your arrival. We were married 2 weeks before you were born, and have thus far spend half of our relationships being your parents. For most, our journey doesn’t make sense, but for me, it is the only thing that ever did. What I didn’t tell you yet Zoe is that your dad is my best friend. He is my soul mate, someone I tell my deepest fears, secrets and desires to. He is the best human being I have ever encountered on this earth. Someone I look up to everyday. Someone that encourages me to be better every chance he gets. He is the one person I respect most. The one person I look forward to kissing every morning and night. He is the one person I choose everyday. The person I will continue choosing until my days are over.

When your dad and I met, I understood what love is. Being raised without a male presence, I always craved the affection and love from a male figure. And I looked for it in the wrong places, which I was getting accustomed to. My heart needed to be broken down, before I could understand what it means to love. Phil’s passing allowed me to shed the preconceived notions of what love was suppose to be like. Of what life is suppose to be like. And your dad is teaching me everyday the right way to live and love. He is patient, kind, strong and so in love with you as well my little Zoe. He is the best father I could have ever wished for you, and one that will raise you into a strong human being with clear values and the undeniable ability to care for others and the community around you.

Zoe, when your dad and I met, you choose to come through onto this earth. The day I found out you were on your way, I cried from pure joy. I cried because I knew that my life was always missing you. I always knew that you coming into this world was a blessing, because you were the best part of your dad and I. What your dad and I share between us, is what I see in you. It is my reason for getting up in the morning, the reason for building a better version of me everyday, and the reason to always look at this world as beautiful and full of miracles.

Page by page we are writing the story of our lives, but know my little sweet Zoe that these are just some of the reasons why I love you the way I do.

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